post from December:
in case you did not know- or have forgotten
on Columbus day this year my brother was found dead
everything in my world changed.
My brother Patrick and i were close, we did not have other kids in our neighbor hood to play with so we had only each other.
I first found out the news when i was out one night, i had artwork up at Irish Pol for the Scantily clad reading event. at first i thought the call was about the doctor’s appointment i had earlier that day.but it wasn’t. All i was told at that moment was that he had an accident. i did not know what kind of accident. He was never a good driver my first reaction was that he crashed his car, then my father informed me he was found at home. all i wanted to do was cry. I tried to go into work the next day. I am not much on sharing my pain but i got through the door my boss came to talk to me i don’t even know what news she had for me i broke down in tears.i told her what happened. I went home and called my mother i needed to see my family. My mother drove to get me and while she was on her way to Philadelphia i packed my suitcase. My vision was blurry from all my tears i grabbed any clothing item that was black. and i keep saying to myself “black it must be black”
I did not know fully the details of my brothers death till my family and i went to the funeral home.
My mother found him at home, my father and i did not see the body.
He shot himself in the face
everything has been a blur
the moved was a great distraction but my place is still not put together
i lack motivation. i feel alone. and my work done at 2 i feel like i spend hours just waiting at home for an appropriate time to eat, sleep and start another day.
if i do eat i only eat once a day. i’m just not hungry. every couple of days i cry a lot. i never been so overwhelmed by my emotions, not since i was a teenager. I go out to try to be me again, but it just a distraction.
i feel so angry sometimes
so pointless, he was only 25 he did not even get to start a life for himself.
my life is pointless i make art, and no one cares about art
life is pointless
i should talk more about it to my friends, but they have busy lives
no one wants a downer
and even i really wanted to talk what is there to say?
there are so few words to express what i feel
sad, depressed angry are not expressive enough whatsoever
sometimes when people ask how im doing i just want to reply “how do you think, my brother is dead”
but that is just rude
“oh yeah getting better yada yada”
im sure i can continue writing but you get the point
How i am doing as of right now:
i feel “Me” again. my life is getting back on track with new artwork, and being around positive people. i still have some way to go but i will make things happen, i will create a happy life for myself. My brother’s life may be over, but i am still living.